Is this the most depressing season of The Bachelor EVER? Is there any hope at this point that Nick will find lasting love with any of the women? I’m frustrated, Bachelor Fans. First off, on my way home from work this evening, The Husband texted me to say that ABC had announced the next Bachelorette. And not only that, but it’s one of the currently “active” women pursuing Nick. WHY THE HELL WOULD ABC DO THAT TO US? Don’t they have any respect for the true fans of this show who enjoy watching the journey and being kept in suspense??? Or does ABC just accept the fact that there are so many spoilers out there and they want to ruin anyone from exploiting them?
When they announced Nick as the next Bachelor on Bachelor in Paradise, it was annoying, but I was like – Ok, fine, it’s the side kick show. Annoying because I liked Jen and Nick together and still don’t completely understand why it didn’t work out (although now we know that Nick doesn’t like sweet pretty girls – he likes smart, spicy, passionate girls). But fine because there was also Lacey & Grant and nerdy Evan & Carley and crazy high energy Josh & Amanda to focus on too.
But ABC’s premature announcement is unforgivable. In case you haven’t seen it, I won’t ruin it here and I request that we not disclose it in the comments either if anyone out there has managed to avoid the news. I’m so disappointed that they would just throw out this information so early on in the process. This had to be a ratings ploy. Pure and simple.
As for tonight, I’m still ready to punch Nick in the gut for crying out his confusion / emotions to the ladies in a group format and basically making them feel unworthy of his facial hair, white teeth and weepy eyes. Also, on what planet does he view Corinne as an actual, legitimate, serious partner and potential wife over someone with the strength & beauty of Kristina or the kindness / genuineness of blonde Danielle. Did he not enjoy rubbing sunblock on Kristina’s inner thighs in front of Raven and Corinne enough? I’m so confused by his actions.
[Side note: Kristina’s last name is Schulman. Is her adoptive family Jewish?? Kristina Schulman is kind of a beautiful oxymoron name like Christina Schwartz or Christopher Goldberg, so now I’m more intrigued by her than ever.]
So let’s start from the beginning and try to sift through this mess together…
Weepy Nick feels bad because once promising relationships have turn to shit and now he’s freaking out that he can’t trust his own feelings. But then a little pow wow with Chris Harrison gives him the strength to continue on the journey (or whatever contract he signed with ABC). Fine.
So in he goes to apologize to the ladies for being a wuss. Also fine.
So this week, they jet out of St. Thomas immediately because THAT was the problem – a beautiful Marriott resort on a gorgeous Caribbean island. Forget about the fact that if you can’t make a connection in one of the most beautiful places on earth, you’ve already got issues. But hey, let’s leave it all behind and go to Bimini in the Bahamas. Literally get your bikinis, we’re going to Bimini? We’ve got 3 one-on-one dates and one group dates with Corinne in a bikini once again. Is there anyone who hasn’t seen Corinne in a bikini at this point?
I was waiting for Vanessa to reconnect with Nick. As soon as I saw their yacht, I prayed that she remembered anti-nausea meds. Can you imagine two dates of Nick cleaning up Vanessa’s motion sickness? So they have a very deep convo about how Nick is scared and how that made Vanessa scared and she thinks they’re all falling in love and decides to tell him only to find that he’s more confused than ever. Or holding back. Or whatever he is that he told her. Also, The Husband was convinced his body language was more than hesitant – he was borderline bored. I took it for pensive. Whatever. He just doesn’t seem over the moon in love like Carrie Bradshaw was for Big, you know what I mean?
Then the awful “let’s swim with sharks” group date. Who the hell in their right mind would go into shark infested waters? No thanks. And don’t tell me they are harmless if you leave them alone. Uhhh, why take the risk? Particularly once Nick jumps out of the water to comfort Kristina? Then you’re literally just shark bait. But Raven seems way too unbothered by Nick’s indifference towards both her and Corinne on this date. She does a lot of analyzing of how Nick must be dealing with being Bachelor and is a little too understanding in my opinion.
Meanwhile, watching Corinne’s every reaction is a little bit of comedy in this sad, sad season from the reflex blonde hair flick she does when Nick unexpectedly enters their home, to her reaction of not getting a one-on-one to her “freaking out” when she realizes that one more person needs to go home before group dates and it could very well be her.
Raven gets the group date rose and is the first to be guaranteed a home town. We’re going to Hoxie, Folks and I don’t think there’s anyone that actually cares. Except for Raven maybe. I don’t even think Nick cares. Also – it seemed like we saw very little of these dates. We saw the awkward conversation between Vanessa and Nick and then he takes her somewhere (to go weep together again?) but we don’t ever see where and next thing we know it’s the next morning. Same on group date – Nick makes out with Raven after giving her the group rose date and then boom, he takes her somewhere to make out to live music on the beach, but we don’t hear any more of them talking – we just see the Platinum Vagine wondering about her worth if Nick didn’t choose her (Guys, she’d give up diamonds to be with Nick!) and Kristina wondering what all the thigh rubbing was about if he didn’t choose her.
Then it’s blonde Danielle’s turn to charm (ahem, bore) Nick. He couldn’t think of a single thing to say to her. Only that they’re two kids from Wisconsin and since this is now his FOURTH season of the Bachelor franchise traveling the world, we can only assume that Wisconsin is the last place he wants to end up. I felt bad for Danielle because she’s probably just a quieter type and Nick sees that as a weakness that he can’t fall in love with. Run, don’t walk, back to Wisconsin, Danielle!
So then the MAIN EVENT that we all have been waiting for is upon us: Corinne dangling herself on a platter for Nick to eat up. We watch her primp and say ridiculous things to the camera. She must have Nick. She will have Nick. She’s a sexpert. She knows how to make men want her. The only positive thing we’ve learned from this insane attempt to seduce Nick is that he has learned from his past mistakes. He didn’t have a cheap Kaitlyn one nighter. He is definitely attracted to Corinne so it’s even more noble of him to reject her advances (or maybe thinks he could break her heart more easily after hometowns than risk getting murdered by an angry Kristina later on??). Though he may be going to meet her family without ever having a private date with her. Insanity.
Ok, so we’re on to Rachel and they seemed to have that magic chemistry that Nick’s been searching for. These two can’t keep their hands off each other. We were kind of hoping to see this with Vanessa more. Rachel is the only one who is holding back with her feelings at this point. She’s smart, confident and not in her head. She’s just enjoying the experience. She can’t contain her happiness (which is driving Corinne insane). She returns from her date all giddy and excited, sending Corinne into a tizzy.
Nick arrives to confront Kristina that he’s just not that into her. She’s shocked. We’re all shocked that he could actually prefer Corinne at this point. We’re not at all shocked that Corinne fell asleep.
Other thoughts and then I must go to sleep (there’s major political news tonight, I didn’t finish watching the Grammy’s and I’ve got Girls, The Walking Dead, Homeland and SNL to catch up on!):
- Does Corinne’s breath stink like cheese when she kissed Nick after stuffing her face with cheese?
- Why did Corinne go through the closed glass door entry to the Hilton after getting rejected by Nick instead of the open sliding glass doors?
- All the girls seem to really support and like each other – and see Corinne as like the house pet. I don’t think we’ve seen a house that likes each other this much in a while – and all despite some of the mean things Corinne has spouted about the other girls.
- Is Vanessa just simple and boring like Corinne proposes?
- Are you kind of just a little bit curious to meet Corinne’s family and her nanny / housekeeper?? I am.
- Is Nick remotely interested in a long term relationship with any of these girls? When Vanessa poured her heart out to him and his only response was a long speech about why he likes her but wants to take things slow – I almost gagged. That’s the last thing you want to hear when putting your heart out there.
- Raven has HUGE boobs.
- What happened to Vanessa after her one on one date? We literally never see her again in any of the other scenes. So odd.
- Why does blonde Danielle have to go back to the villa and collect her things after getting dumped? Couldn’t the crew have done that for her? There are other times when the Bachelor unexpectedly sends someone home (like Danielle L) and she doesn’t have to go home and cry to the other girls. I’m not sure what the purpose of all that is except to depress us more.
- Is it just me or is this a gloomy season that I’m feeling like Nick is absolutely neutral about? I mean come on – you’re the Bachelor – be happy. Show a little excitement. Give us something to work with. I feel like he’s playing eeny meeny miny mo on whom he picks and rejects.
I can’t even tell you my favorite anymore, because they all seem mismatched with Nick?? What do you think?