I can’t believe the success of The Bachelor this season may be riding on Corinne’s lady parts to boost Nick out of his funk. Happy Monday, Bachelor fans. Three people at work asked me what I did this weekend. Other than staying up to watch the end of the exciting Super Bowl and wondering how to get a pair of Lady Gaga’s suspension cables to avoid using the terrifying elevator in my apartment building, I couldn’t remember much. I did manage to make turkey chili for the game and nobody got food poisoning or died, so I consider that a success.
So tonight’s show was a train wreck from start to finish. Crash and burn #1 was Taylor’s staged revenge march to let Nick know the truth about Corinne. You could even feel Nick’s annoyance that he had to disengage from Corinne’s pouty lips to let Taylor plead her case in futility. I know Taylor was trying to make a point, but all I could hear was “Sour Grapes. Sour Grapes. Sour Grapes.” Enough about Taylor. She’s too young and immature to settle down with anyone at this point.
We said goodbye to Dolphin Girl Alexis who was very sweet, but definitely in the Friend Zone. Also Jaimi the bi-sexual lady and Josephine who scared me.
So then we move on to Kristina’s one on one date. At this point, we can conclude the following about Nick’s interest in women:
- He’s not interested in “sweet” and “vanilla” girls. He wants a woman with a little sass to her. Opinionated. Street smart.
- He’s not interested in a polite, easy relationship. He even described what he was looking for to Danielle L as “raw.” I think that means someone who challenges him, who knows his flaws and loves him for them anyway. Kind of like how Vanessa gave it to him for his actions with Corinne in the Castle of Lust and how Rachel was basically like – I was ready to go home because I was not feeling like myself.
- The remaining women are all brown eyed and he’s definitely into brunette petite types (with the exception of other blonde Danielle who is very tall and therefore likely going home).
So back to the dates. Kristina definitely has the extra spice to her step. Turns out, she’s got a pretty horrific back story. Now, I’m not a therapist or psychiatrist, but I can only imagine the kind of damage that must be done to one’s psychological state to have basically been emotionally abused by one’s mother. That’s what happened to Kristina, right? So she willingly leaves her mother (or gets kicked out??) to go to an orphanage and her mother doesn’t come after her or realizes she made a mistake?? How horrible is that?! And then after living with all her new Russian co-orphans, she then chooses to go to the US but can never make amends with her mother because she died? And her sister ended up living with her father? And all the while her options are a) be a homeless kid b) leave the orphanage to become a prostitute in Russia c) give up the safety of her friends around her to go live somewhere completely unknown with people she’s never met? Talk about BAGGAGE!
So we know Kristina’s had to overcome a lot but what we don’t know is how does this affect her ability to love another human being? Can she trust anyone? If she feels jealous or insecure, how does she react? Because it’s all islands and roses on The Bachelor, but how does she deal with hardship? I need to know these things if I’m going to invest in Kristina. I hope Nick is kicking the tires on this one – I’m slightly terrified of how dark things can go if she’s having a bad day. The Husband thinks she might double as a secret assassin. I could see it.
The group date was Crash and Burn #2. Might this be the worst group date in Bachelor history? I’m not sure where things went wrong. But I think when you don’t have an actual activity planned and the idea is to sit around and have a “chill” day when you’re fighting for time with the same guy – bad things are bound to happen. Like who wants to play sand volleyball with and against the women you’re competing with? Wouldn’t you rather have that time to bond with Nick? Vanessa is right that she’s really not getting to know him and spend that essential quality time that’s needed to figure out if Nick is her person. I was frustrated for all of them.
Jasmine’s behavior was just tough to watch (Crash and burn #3). She’s been slowly spiraling out of control and you kind of just watch her go down that road like there’s nothing that can be done. Her one on one conversation with Nick was the biggest disaster of the season. On the one hand – she has a point – Nick HASN’T given her any one on one dates or group date roses. How is she supposed to have any validation from him? She has a right to be frustrated. All she has is time to think about what could be between them. On the other hand, she’s so angry by the time she actually talks to him that it just unleashes itself like frustration vomit. Her whole “I want to choke you” rage came off as awkward and creepy, especially when she started making sexual references to choking him?? This is way beyond me, but it was going somewhere Nick didn’t want it to.
The only calm one during the night was Raven. I think Rachel casually mentioned that Raven got the group rose date. She’s the voice of reason. I’m wondering why we didn’t see Raven get the group rose (too much foreshadowing??). Raven doesn’t seem to let her nerves get the best of her. She’s already confessed the “L” word to Nick – so she’s gotten it out there that she’s in it to win it.
Then we get to the two on one date. I was wondering when we’d actually see who the heck Whitney was. I still know nothing about her. She is, like Nick says, absolutely beautiful. But as we learn, she’s only 24 years old to Nick’s 36 and we see a bit of the immaturity when she starts questioning Nick’s interest in Danielle after Whitney is dumped. Nick wisely tells her it’s not about Danielle, it’s about his relationship with Whitney. Nobody buys it, but we give Nick props for coming up with such a compelling argument on the spot.
Then we get to what is probably the low point of Nick’s breakups. Poor, innocent, sweet, open and honest Danielle. She’s pretty, she’s upbeat, she’s got a nice giggle to her. This is her kiss of death. Nick just can’t bring back that loving feeling from Date #1 with Danielle. When Danielle (are they calling her D Lo?) confesses (in almost a yawn state) that she’s falling for Nick, he couldn’t look more sleepy. Or unenthused. Which has to really be feeding Danielle’s confidence. So he looks into her pretty brown eyes and tells her he wishes it were her, but his heart doesn’t agree. Sure, blame it on your heart. At least he’s not blaming it on his penis. But he kind of is.
What I can’t understand is Nick’s dramatic, Oscar worthy, melodramatic outpouring of tears and despair to all of his women COLLECTIVELY. Like sure, pull one or two aside and tell them how he had a shitty 2 on 1 and now he’s worried that all his relationships will go to hell. But to go and have a group confessional to air your dirty laundry of what’s in your head? This is definitely one that he should have slept on. You know how you’re never supposed to send an email or put anything down in writing when you’re upset? This is one of those situations. Because how will these women react? The guy they’re taking away time from their lives to pursue is an emotional wreck and isn’t sure the process will work for him. So why exactly should any of them stay one more minute???
Pull it together, Nick. We need something a little more positive and enthused to watch. Right now, the most entertaining part of this season is watching Corinne say ridiculous things like her nanny Raquel would be jealous of the caretaker in the hotel at St. Thomas. It’s got to get better, right?? So I know this sounds insane and like we’re grasping at straws here, but Corinne seems to be one of those light hearted people who can lift Nick out of his death march. He seems to always be in a good mood around Corinne and perhaps what Nick needs right now is pure old chemistry. A spark. Something or someone that excites him and can put his faith back in the process that the journey is worth it after all. Now I’m not saying that Corinne will be the person standing there at the end, but she certainly makes him feel good and that’s what we need right about now.
Who are our frontrunners now? I have to go with Raven, Rachel and Corinne’s boobs.
What do you think??
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