Going Balls Out

So long, farewell to my 2 best friends…

The moment is almost upon us.  Tomorrow this time, we will be minus two key members of our family.  I’m talking, of course, about Wally’s beloved testicles.  The thought of him going into surgery, getting drugged up and snipped is enough to make me bawl my eyes out.

Here’s what’s happening:

At 9 AM tomorrow, our 7 month old puppy will be handed over to the vet.  We leave him there, completely alone, and then we’re not supposed to come back until 10 AM Saturday to pick him up.  WHAT? You may ask.  Leave our little baby alone overnight in the vet hospital?  Shouldn’t we be allowed to visit and bring him flowers or a balloon?  Will someone feed him?  Is someone going to be there overnight in case he whimpers in pain or needs something?  And get this…they highly suggested that we do not come to visit.  They say he’ll be totally out of it from the medication and seeing us could stress him out or get him excited enough to want to lick or chew on his stitches.  STITCHES.  On his BALLS.  OUCH!!!  Why are we doing this?!?!?

The Husband keeps telling me it’s for the best.  The neutering is supposed to reduce certain hormonal annoying behaviors.  He was trying to cheer me up by saying that perhaps my horrible head colds this past fall were caused by allergies to Wally’s balls and that I’ll clear right up once they’re out of our lives.  I hope this is the case.  Still, his testicles were starting to cause some unwelcoming behaviors.  When we left him a couple weeks ago to go on vacation, the woman who boarded him initially only had wonderful things to say about Wally by e-mail.

“He’s handsome.  He’s gentle.  He’s really getting along with all the other dogs.”

We were so proud.  Then by the end of the week, I got a follow-up email:

“Wally is doing fine.  But he needs to be neutered.  He is humping every girl in sight.  He also needs training and I am attaching a training guide.”

Uh-oh.  Where did we go wrong? The doggy daycare lady told us he was marking everywhere.  They even put him in a diaper.  A doggy diaper.  Who knew such a thing existed?  So his hormones may in fact be getting the best of him.  BUT – does that merit mutilating his beautiful little body?  Won’t this ruin his potential for a show dog career?  A dog testicle modeling career? A doggie condom ad? What if he has dreams of being a dad one day?  Who are we to take that away from him?  The breeder recommended waiting as long as possible to make sure his growth plates were finished doing their thing (thus avoiding an overgrown, potentially overweight dog).   But when I explained some of Wally’s more recent behaviors, even the breeder agreed it was time to neuter him.  She loves Wally like her own, so I greatly trust her opinion.

This adorable, fluffy, big brown eyed love mush depends on us for all his needs.  He trusts us blindly.  Tomorrow he’ll pay the price – he’ll willingly walk out the door with us thinking it’s time to go potty outside, only to find it’s the most horrible bathroom break of all time.  The worst part is that the vet’s office is located directly next door to the doggy daycare that he is obsessed with.  This will only lead to major disappointment as he’ll think that he’s going to have a fun day with his buddies chasing after toys and napping only to learn that his balls are being chopped off.  Poor thing.

I wonder if we’re going to get his nuts back after the surgery to put in a jar of some sort, like baby teeth.  I also wonder if Wally will act like the same dog. Will he still poop proudly in the entrance of Pottery Barn Teen across the street as if to say, “Screw you, overpriced teenage furniture?”  Will he still want to lie on the couch all spread out and watch the puppy shows on Animal Planet?  Will he snuggle into my neck to get warm after our freezing cold morning walk?

I was almost in tears today when I saw him after work, knowing it’s our last night with our puppy Wally.  Tomorrow he will go through a doggy rite of passage.  I’d say he’ll become a man, only with 2 less testicles, he’s actually becoming less male-like.  I doubt they have dog literature encompassing such a theme, but they should.  If not for the dog, for the dog parents out there.  It’s nearly as traumatic for us.  I watch him sleeping now, at my side, a sweet, playful, trusting soul just wanting to learn, explore and please.  He’s part of our family.  I have a strong desire to love and protect him like any family member.   I hope he forgives us for what is about to happen to him.  The Husband must feel the same about Wally because he’s giving up the chance to go to the Redskins’ Sunday playoff game to be around for Wally’s recovery.  This is an earth-shattering break through.  A dog over NFL football?  It must be love.

Tonight, I made Wally what I thought was a gourmet meal.  He can’t eat after midnight, so I tried to make it extra special.  I combined his kibble, with some yogurt, sweet potato and some canned food.  He sniffed it, ate a tiny bit and decided he’d rather starve to death than eat a home cooked meal from his mother.  I figured he just wasn’t hungry (pre-surgical nerves?).  I was complaining to my mother on the phone that nobody likes my cooking – not even the dog – when The Husband presented a simple bowl of dry kibble to Wally instead of my masterpiece creation.  Wally devoured the dry kibble.  He liked it so much, that The Husband gave him an extra helping.  I’m going to need therapy.

For all you dog owners out there, any tips on post neutering recovery tips (for the dog and for the parents)?  Or words of wisdom?  We’re all ears and we could use the extra love and moral support.  Tomorrow at 10 AM, please have a moment of silence for some lost puppy balls.  We would greatly appreciate any well wishes for Wally in the comment section below.

Hold on to your balls a little tighter today or give your loved one’s balls an extra tender squeeze in honor of Wally. We’ll update you on the flip side.  I’ve got to go cry into a pillow now and rock Wally to sleep.

Feel free to “share” this post with any of your dog loving friends. We can use all the advice / support / love we can find.


A Frightened Doggy Mama



  1. I am just in stitches, not the kind of stitches our dear Wally will have between his legs tomorrow. Honestly thought that Jonathan would be more of a mess over this decison to have Wally nueterd that what you are. usually men act as if they are being nuetered vicariously as thier family pet is.
    I guess it is too late to let you know that there are prostetic testicles called “nueticles” for dogs. Since Wally is not at his full growth, I was concerned that a pair would have been chosen improperly and the Great Dane size might have been implanted. Causing chaffing and change in his gait, but of course the talk of the park, but only when walking away.
    Life will be much better with the removal of the ‘bad boys”. No more sad notes from Camp about being the hump monster and no more belly bands at doggie daycare. It take a few weeks for hormones to settle.
    Hugs to Wally from momma-Kim

  2. I would sacrifice mine for his, if that will make you & Jonathan happy.

  3. We got our yorkie neutered when he was 1 for the same reasons you chose to do so. We were told his behavior would improve, he would calm down a little, it would reduce chance of cancer and he would live a longer happier life. Needless to say, he is now 2 years old and he is still as happy and excited as he was before the surgery. It took him a few days to recover. He wore the cone of shame and we kind of laughed a little when he bumped with it into everything. We were advised to keep the cone on for a week so he wouldn’t lick his stitches and after a day or two he got used to having the cone on and was totally fine. After about 2 weeks he was back to running around and playing with his toys. He still tries to hump his favorite toy from time to time but it’s definitely not anywhere as bad as it was before his surgery. We were also very afraid that his personality would change, but it didn’t at all. Our doggy is still lovable, sweet and affectionate as he was. I’m glad we went through with the surgery. Sending Wally well wishes for a speedy recovery!

  4. How’s the little guy doing? And how are you, Stacey?

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