The Relationship Judge: My Friend is Dating My Ex – Should I Be Mad?

Today’s Relationship Judge submission is a good one.  I think this is an issue that most of us have had to deal with or hear about at some point, so hopefully you can help offer some good advice.  Kristen wrote in from Chicago and without further ado, let’s dig right in:

The Facts: Kristen’s been happily married for several years and has a baby on the way.  She  is very content with her life – loves her hubby, has lots of great family and friends around and has a part time job at a local radio station which keeps her busy.  She is so excited to become a first time mom.  But Kristen wasn’t always so happy.  Six years earlier, she was in a serious relationship with someone else.  Kristen was going into her senior year of college, doing a summer internship in New York City at a radio station when she started dating another intern.  Things got serious very quickly mostly because they were together pretty much 24/7 for an entire summer.  When the summer ended, Kristen moved back to Chicago to finish off college and her boyfriend stayed in New York to do the same.  They visited each other for a few months after the summer, but the following spring, Kristen’s boyfriend told her that he had gotten a job in New York after graduation, while Kristen planned to stay in Chicago to take some graduate classes and find a job locally (which she eventually did and still works at).  Soon after these decisions were made, Kristen’s boyfriend ended things abruptly, saying he loved Kristen, but was so sad all the time not being with her and he didn’t want to be in an indefinite long distance relationship.  Kristen was heartbroken.  She had applied for jobs in New York, but the economy was pretty bad and she was lucky to find something in Chicago. Kristen tried emailing and calling her now ex-boyfriend to convince him that they should at least try to be together, but she soon stopped hearing from him.

A couple years later, Kristen met someone else and the rest was history.  BUT.  She recently received a phone call from a college roommate who she considers a close friend.  “Eve” moved to New York after college for law school and a few weeks  earlier, had run into Kristen’s ex boyfriend at a party.  Eve remembered him from one of his visits to Chicago during senior year of college.  Eve and Kristen’s ex completely hit it off and as Eve told Kristen were now “seeing each other.”  Eve’s phone call to Kristen was to “let her know some news,” and was presented as a “isn’t it a small world?” rather than a “Hey, I hope it’s ok…”   It had only been a few weeks, but Kristen got the feeling that the relationship was somewhat serious.  She was surprised at how hurt she felt when hearing that her friend was dating someone she had been so heartbroken about.  She remembers even crying to Eve about it when they broke up.  Yes, Kristen knows she’s in a better place now, but she wonders if she has any right to be upset and if Eve should just know better than to date the ex of a good friend.

Intense, right?

The QuestionIs it ok to date the ex of a close friend?  If you are the person interested in someone’s ex, what is the best way to approach your friend about it?  Do you need to approach your friend?  Does Kristen have any right to be upset?

The Relationship Judge Says: Ahhh, Kristen.  I want to give you and your growing belly a big hug right now because I think what you’re having is a very human (and possibly hormonal) moment.  I don’t doubt that you really are in a happy place right now.  In fact, it sounds like things couldn’t be better.  But when your past is suddenly and unexpectedly thrown into your face, it’s only natural to have the reflex reaction of feeling hurt.  And that’s what it is and should be – a quick reflex of pain.  Let’s look at this from Eve’s perspective.  She’s done with law school.  She’s out and about in the city being single and probably finding that it’s not so glamarous.  Good guys are very hard to meet and it’s even worse when everyone around you is getting married and having babies when you can’t even get a good first date.  So then your buddy Eve comes across HIM – who I’m assuming is a GOOD GUY with lots of GREAT qualities and well, is it so bad for a good friend of yours to be happy with someone you know is a good person?

Yes, it’s kind of a bummer that she will get to pursue what you were not able to, but that’s the way things go in life.  Sometimes you get to see things through and sometimes you don’t.  Perhaps you would have found that dating your ex long term might not have led anywhere.  Perhaps Eve’s relationship with him won’t make it either.  And let’s be honest, it’s not like your home still crying your eyes out over him.  If that were the case, I’d say you have a much better ammunition for calling Eve out on GIRL CODE violation.  It’s been six years, Kristen.  Six YEARS, a husband and baby on the way.  It’s ok to be temporarily surprised and even a bit hurt, but move on, Sister!  Focus on the great things before you because no good has ever come from looking back.

Don’t be bitter towards Eve either.  It’s probably a little awkward for her to even tell you what’s going on – don’t let your friendship suffer because of it.  Be happy that two people you love have found each other.  That’s called being the bigger person (and hey, with your pregnancy, you’ve got a head start!).  I’m terrible at being the bigger person, btw, but I’m working on it every day.  We will support you along the way if you try.

Your Turn: What do you all think about Kristen’s friend dating her ex?  Have you been the “Kristen” or the “Eve” in a similar scenario?  How did you handle it?   Would LOVE your input!

If YOU have a problem for The Relationship Judge, please email staceyb@officestace.com with the subject line “The Relationship Judge.”  Instructions for what to submit can be found here.  Please “Like” my page on Facebook: www.officestace.com/OfficeStace and come find me on Twitter: @OfficeStace

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!

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Comments

  1. Its really hard when that happens. I can’t help noticing a pattern in the ex in New York’s behavior. He runs from zero to serious pretty fast. It could be he is a cereal dater or it could be he is looking for love really hard.

    My advice to her would be: Looking backwards only keeps her from seeing all the wonderful things in front of her. Besides who really wants a man who gives up when life gets a little tough! He seems like a speedracer who stops just before the finish line anyway.

  2. You owe it to your husband to not be upset about it. Of course, you can’t control how you feel, but I think it’s wrong if you are married and should be happy now. Maybe they are meant to be together and they would have never talked in the first place if it weren’t for him coming to Chicago that one time. I also agree with the person above me. Living in the past robs you of your now and your wonderful future that you could have.

    Let’s just think for a second. Your husband gets a phone call from a buddy who is dating an ex GF that he used to date and he gets upset when he hears about it. Your husband is married, you and him are expecting a baby, and he is upset about an ex??? I’d be p*$$ed.

  3. Stacey, You’ve summed it up really well. That is a lot of years. Of course it hurts but as you said it’s best to wish them well, move on and above all DON’T LOOK BACK.

    PS
    Do you have any Bachelor/Bachelorette news? There are lots of rumours going around.

  4. Dear Kristen:
    Life can truly resemble a soap opera sometimes. It is very understandable that you are upset. You and your ex had a close connection in the past that you both tried to keep alive but in the long run it’s hard to do. You both had to part with unresolved feelings: you both cared for eachother. Had you both not reconnected you would have been fine but your friend, Eve, is kind of bringing the past back into the future. She remembers your strong attachment to him and this is a signal that he is a great guy….she values your judgement that he is worthy of getting to know him better. Eve probably just assumes that you have gotten over him as you are happily married and expecting a baby to expand your family. Perhaps your ex likewise feels a quick affinity to your friend because of past fondness for you. You are the connection that enhanced their connection to eachother. It may last or it may not last, but it’s kinda a good thing that 2 good people are brought together for however long because of you. You, however, are grieving the loss of a past unresolved ending of a relationship. It’s very normal for you to feel that way. Eventually you will have moved on towards acceptance. Focussing on the present and finding gratitude for all the blessings you have in the present will help. Please know that having a baby can also be a stressor to a marital relationship and can make you re-evaluate your love feelings for eachother…….plan for and then absolutely make sure you have date nights with your hubby. The best way to not yearn for a past relationship is to make your present one worthy and exciting. You seem to be a woman who attracts good relationships…..be happy that you are who you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. diana Hurndon says:

    My ex-boyfriend seems to be excited about me dating someone else. We’ve been on and off for about 13 years. Recently he move in a lady and I decided not to see him intimate level. Since then he’s asked several times if I was dating. I recently meet to great guys on a dating site and since he kept asking me I told him I was interested in one of them. Since then he has offered dating advise, ask if we could still be intimate, told me it probaly won’t work. He is saying that we a friends and friends can talk about our significant others, however, when I ask about his new girlfriend he shuts down. He just seems to nosey and to excited when talking about what I’m doing. What is that all about?

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  7. Two weeks ago i and my boyfriend had a conflict, So with that he broke up with me saying he no longer wanted to associate with me anymore, I never knew he was interested in working out his marriage with another girl, I was helpless because i loved him so much more than myself, After begging and pleading with him I realized it was out of my hands, He really was leaving me, I could not stay without him, I tried to figure things out with him but he is not listening me, He told me that he is no longer interested that i should look for someone else, I tried all my best but things were not working out, So i had no choice than to look around for help, I went into search of spell caster to help me bring him back to me with the help of spell and after searching i actually finalize to work with pitzprophet@hotmail.com in regards of my lover. after 3 days as he told that my lover will return. My lover returned in surprising way, I was chocked and was so happy I can’t say how much I’m grateful, My lover not only came back to me, But has left his other girl and now has engaged me, We are getting married first week of next month, I don’t know what I would have done without this spell caster. Please Help me thank prophetpitz for work well done. Love Monica

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