Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone. Apologies it’s been so long since I’ve last posted. All is well here. Crazy and busy and waking up at 6:45 AM every single day and go-go-go til bedtime without fail, kind of crazy. Ellie is in a glorious phase of smiling, screaming, saying “hahhhh” which we figured out meant “hi” every time she sees someone knew. She’s saying “bahhhh” when someone leaves too. She’s 8.5 months old. Sleeping through the night (except the last 2 nights as she’s teething). No crawling yet, just pushing herself backwards into inconvenient corners, then muttering to us until we come rescue her. She loves all things music and thinks clapping is the greatest thing in the world. Her cheeks are so squeezable and I find myself watching everything she does in amazement. Being her mom is awesome. And exhausting. Exhauwesome?
Over the last few months, I’ve been taking time to do my freelance writing at Thought Catalog: http://thoughtcatalog.com/Stacey-Becker which has been great. I signed an e-book deal with them for a short story memoir which should come out next spring. Stay tuned! I also had a few interviews for lawyer jobs that fell into my lap through former colleagues and friends. Long story short, I recently made a decision to go back to a full time role as a lawyer. The income is important for Ellie. And because I had the benefit of taking these last 8+ months to really find a company/role that would be a good fit for me, I am going back to a place that will be supportive of my #1 job – being Ellie’s mom. This company is giving me a flexible work arrangement without even knowing me. Already, that makes me like them and want to do good work for them. They get it. I won’t say it’s going to be easy, but knowing that I can have that flexibility sure helps.
It took me a really long time to decide to quit my last job after having Ellie. I was terrified of not being able to find something else. Of running out of our savings. Being on the other side of that decision – I can honestly say that not going back to work was the best decision I ever made. I cherished every single day I had with Ellie. Even the really hard ones, and there were plenty of those. I went from being completely blown away and terrified by this tiny little helpless thing, to beyond smitten with every single detail that she is. I can’t really start to think about how much I will miss her or I may not make it to work this coming Monday. I’ll miss that darling little face, the way she grabs fistfuls of my hair and plays with it, how she snuggles her nose into my neck when she’s tired. How when she wakes up from her morning nap and sees me, she gives me the hugest grin and immediately starts clapping, applauding that she finally feels well rested, perhaps. If I start to think too long about how she lunges forward for the spoon of sweet potatoes that I give her for lunch, how her arms stretch out as wide as they can and shake when she’s excited, it’ll break me. I will miss these things like crazy when I’m at work. Each second of them. They are what I live for.
I will also do the following:
I will go back to work because I have to for now. It’s the best thing for our family.
I will show Ellie that we can be tough when we need to be and that women are strong and powerful.
I will not permanently decide anything in terms of my long term working or stay at home mom plans. I will take it week by week, day by day or even hour by hour if I have to.
I will not label myself as working mom instead of stay-at-home mom as every mom is a working mom. Labels pigeonhole people and I refuse to be categorized as one thing or another for too long. I will not be afraid to make changes to my lifestyle and mom-style if I am not happy.
I will work hard to achieve a great balance between the baby and my work. It may not be possible at times and I will forgive myself if things don’t go as planned.
I will miss Wally (the dog) too and need to find time to give him some extra loving.
I will make time for date night for me and The Husband because he’s gorgeous, I love him and I still laugh every time we’re out together.
I will not forget about The Bachelor, though my posts about the Farmer may not be as timely or long as they used to be.
I will always be Ellie’s mommy. Nobody can replace that. I tell her every day that I made every single part of her, with a little help from The Husband.
I will not cry all day on my first day of work. Repeat. If I cry, it will not be in front of Ellie. I will try not to cry in front of The Husband too often as he doesn’t full grasp the concept of maternal hormones and might commit me if this continues.