Ben Higgins for President (and next Bachelor!)

Humble and HOT. Ben H is our next Bachelor!! (He's almost as cute as The Husband)

Humble and HOT. Ben H is our next Bachelor!! (He’s almost as cute as The Husband)

Samantha is lying. Joe is pissed. Repeat. That was the theme of tonight’s show. If you didn’t see the episode, you didn’t miss much. Really. Except that BEN HIGGINS (Ben H!) is our next Bachelor. Even The Husband was drooling when Ben came out in his dark suit looking like Superman. The whole Nick V trick didn’t throw me for a second. “Bring out Ben!” is all we could chant in our household! Is it January yet?? Do we think he’s going to have phone sex with Amy Schumer tonight? I love her.

So I finally found something that could be worse than spending time with Joe or Samantha. It’s not even a root canal. It’s the RE-TREATMENT of a root canal gone awry. That’s what I had done this afternoon. My original root canal tfrom earlier this year developed an infection. After several attempts to treat the infection, I had to see a specialist to fix the problem and that all went down today. I’ve got to hurry up and finish this post so I can take my antibiotics, advil and fall asleep before I end up doing something terrible. Picture sitting in a dental chair, when they strap on a stretchy rubbery contraption to keep your jaw locked into an open position and you’re just stuck there while they stick instruments into your mouth, poking and prodding, even drilling – while you’re just there with your thoughts – like will Ashley I ever seem like a normal human being? Will we ever understand what the heck Samantha’s story is? Do Juelia and Mikey stand a chance in the real world?

So I’m still recovering from that and was looking forward to seeing Samantha’s villainous text messages, but we never actually saw anything, just some whining and an attempt at blackmailing Samantha back into his arms. It didn’t quite work and we didn’t see anything too scandalous. I’m not even really sure what her whole “never before seen footage” with Jade was all about. It was just Samantha denying her relationship with Joe? I mean, it sounds like they just texted a lot. I don’t think she’s denying that happened, right?

Does anyone care at this point? I kind of love how NEW GUY came in tonight, heard from his good friend Joe that he’s into Samantha and then NEW GUY couldn’t care less, and goes straight away to ask her out. That should be interesting next week.

Nothing from Tanner and Jade tonight. They’re still glowing from their overnight.

Nothing from Tenley and Josh.

Nothing from Dan and Amber.

It’s hard to take Ashley I seriously. She cried almost the entire episode and I’m not sure why she thinks her relationship with Jared will take a very long time to get over.

Kirk and Carley went fishing. Very cute. Beautiful sunset. Do they do anything other than giggle when they’re together?

Is Ashley S still there? She’s pretty non-existant at this point.

Ok, mouth is starting to pound and I’ve got to find a pic of Ben H to post so we can stare at him. Who’s excited??

Leaving you with my favorite part of tonight:

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Villain’s Gotta Vill on Bachelor in Paradise

"I came here for you, Joe" says Samantha (see her hair grow longer each time she lies)

“I came here for you, Joe” says Samantha (see her hair grow longer each time she lies)

I love this show.

Bachelor in Paradise has the rare capability of making you absolutely despise someone one minute and then make you feel the tiniest bit of sympathy for that same person within the same episode. I have to admit, I was hating on Joe for a while now. How dare he purposely lie and mislead a single mom who has come on the show to find love! And all to meet the evil Samantha, whose hair seems to grow longer every time she tells a lie. But then he started to seem so desperate. And Samantha was starting to wake up and smell the drama. She’s gone wise to the fact that she’s dating the Villain of Bachelor, and she’s not into being Ms. Villain. Then another guy arrives and we know that they’ve had a previous relationship as well. Samantha never reveals this info, but she does decline the date. Does she have regret about this? Is this the reason that she started acting differently with Joe? Does Joe’s dimple between his eyes give him a sixth sense when a woman is losing interest? We saw from Kaitlyn’s season that once a lady loses interest in him, he doesn’t handle it well. Do you remember how quickly he flipped the switch and became ANGRY, SPITEFUL Joe?

Well, get your popcorn, Folks, because he’s going to absolutely lose it on Samantha and he’s got the text messages to go with it! I can’t wait to see what fireworks are in store for these two. Based on the fact that we all know Samantha’s been lying about a) the extent of her relationship with Joe prior to coming on the show b) that she told Joe to do whatever it takes to stick around until she got to Paradise and c) Samantha was “seeing” both Joe and Nick at the same time before the show, telling both of them that she was into them, we are guaranteed to see some epic showdowns. I can barely wait!

Let’s not forget that she dumped Joe ON HIS BIRTHDAY. And even his self made little sad “Happy Birthday Joe” dessert couldn’t save him from Samantha’s change of heart (or desire to keep her image Villain-free). Joe won’t forget this.

Outside of the Joe and Samantha drama this week, there were several happy surprises:

  • I LOVED that Juelia is getting another chance at love with Mikey. It’s like they both simultaneously got another chance to be happy because Mikey was made to look like a complete meathead and Juelia was the victim up until tonight. I know this was probably completely staged (to have all the guys reject Juelia so she could be surprised by Mikey), but I loved it anyway. I mean, I was wondering why Juelia wouldn’t just leave in the first place. She’s not interested in anyone still there. She misses her kid. GO HOME! But she was hoping for her Prince to just SHOW UP on the beach. This show is insane. What would have happened if Juelia got a rose from JJ or the Wolverine guy? Would Mikey have not been allowed to surprise her? 
  • JJ’s exit was so insane. He decided to save Ashley S? Why? Were they friends? He hated Clare, so fine. But why not give it to Juelia? Especially if he did decide he was going to go and try to get an ex-girlfriend back? I mean, fine, reject Megan, but then give your rose to your bestie Juelia. But no, it had to be staged, so he gave it to the only other logical person to get crazy edits out of – Ashley S.
  • Speaking of Ashley S, her crazy is back in full force. I honestly don’t even know what to think of her. Nick seemed completely normal and down to earth and once she started sputtering remarks about being a sister to him, I knew this date was doomed. He can’t be interested in her after witnessing how insane she can be – can he??
  • I’m very happy for Jade and Tanner. Last week’s previews made it seem like they were going to break up, but I’m glad that they’re “officially” going steady. Tanner has got to be in seventh heaven now that he’s dating a Playboy model. Too funny. Good for them. They’re very cute. When Tanner confessed his fears that he didn’t want to fall in love and be sad at the end of this thing, Jade went silent. I thought she was going to clam up and say nothing, but I’m happy to see that she was able to articulate that she felt the same way. Very cute couple.
  • Oh and then we’ve got Ashley I and Jared. I’m not sure how Jared became the most eligible bachelor in Bachelor in Paradise, but Ashley I puts this guy on a pedestal like no other. She’s such a mess in so many different ways. One of the most insecure women this show has ever had. And why call up Kaitlyn to complain that Jared was still into her? That was ridiculous AND staged. What is Kaitlyn supposed to do about this? She’s like, “Sorry, Ash, I’m in bed with my personal trainer right now. Can’t speak…” At least we don’t have to watch Ashley mentally beg Jared for one more kiss that he has no interest in giving her. Painful to watch these two together.
  • Joe refers to Samantha as “a trophy wife…an 8-point buck on the wall.” He says this with all sincerity, probably as a compliment. These two deserve each other more than anything. I loved the credits when Joe goes on an on about how he could see Samantha as being his wife (after she dumps him here):

Ok, that’s enough Bach chat for one evening. Gotta go mentally prepare for work tomorrow :)

What did you all think??

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Under the Joe Spell in Bachelor in Paradise

Let's be evil, lie and make the whole world hate us together!

Let’s be evil, lie and make the whole world hate us together!

Woah, so now Joe and beautiful Samantha were partners in crime? Samantha was so busted with that camera getting footage of the following: 1) Samantha completely lied when she said that she hadn’t spoken to Joe before 2) Samantha and Joe had somewhat of a relationship or at the very least a flirty connection BEFORE coming on the show and 3) Samantha is manipulating Joe and lying to those around her. This is finally getting interesting. Ok, not really, but how amazing will it be if JJ actually DOES knock out Joe’s teeth or if Samantha DOES come to her senses and dumps Joe for another guy?

It’s very sad to see what they did to Juelia. Especially now that we know the other types of things Joe said to her about moving closer to her. But she looked great at the After Paradise show and very confident with those large lovely knockers playing peek-a-boo out of her dress. I’m glad they mentioned the live Tweeting going on between Samantha and Joe. Sounds like trouble in paradise.

Other thoughts:

  • Love that JJ went from zero to hero. Both in his date with Megan (though agreed he did shame her intelligence) and then when he called out Joe for lying. Finally his testosterone is being utilized for something purposeful.
  • What is wrong with Ashley I’s moves? The only thing she coherently said on this episode was that Jared looks so hot (to his face as she awkwardly rushes by him. She really might be 6 years old.)
  • Dan can’t win. He did the complete opposite of Joe by speaking to Ashley S about accepting the date card from Amber. Ashley hates him anyway and says he’s a jerk. Not really sure where she gets that from but she basically shut down and went off into coo-coo parrot land. Amber seems like a nice girl though not sure how.
  • I don’t like what I’m seeing in the previews (potential breakups of Tenley and Molly (I mean Joshua), Jade and Tanner and return of Jaclyn Schwarz or whatever that outspoken blonde is that was on Bachelor Pad? And she somehow takes Jared away from Ashley I? Oh boy. I hope that happens before Ashley decides to lose her virginity to him.

Ok, enough is enough. I’m horrified at Joe’s behavior. I’m angry horrified at Samantha’s actions a thousand times more. #truecolors

#tootiredtohashtag

Xoxo

Stacey

www.instagram.com/OfficeStace

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Joe’s The Devil on Bachelor in Paradise

Villian's Gotta Vill. Even looking at his expression is making me angry.

Villian’s Gotta Vill. Even looking at his expression is making me angry.

I’ve started wearing workout clothes to watch Bachelor in Paradise. It’s a mental exercise to understand how these characters do not all just jump off a cliff. Are these for real human beings and not actors?

Joe from Kentucky is just so evil, I can’t even deal with him. Do we really need to watch him have a facial orgasm (or real one) in a hot tub with exotic perfect Barbie Doll Samantha? Does Samantha not look like the evil brunette Ariel from Little Mermaid? How could she not have figured out what Joe is all about? Wouldn’t you ask her close friends on the show for some advice or for the scoop? Let’s see:

Samantha. For real or evil?

Samantha. For real or evil?

ursulaSo if you can remotely get over the making out of Joe and Samantha to understand the actual turn of events (they are both acting like they’ve never met when she asks him out). Why would a stunning woman like Samantha choose Joe out of a crowd? She wouldn’t. Unless they had some previous conversation. So they’re playing the system. They most likely were already dating and wanted the show to pay for a free vacation for themselves. I don’t even want to waste another minute that I could be sleeping by speaking about them.

I felt terrible for Juelia. Yes, she may not be the sharpest (she made a comment that she loved Joe and was willing to move for him!! WTF?!), but she deserves to find love. Shame on Joe for treating a widowed single mom with such callous disrespect. Shame on Samantha for not doing a background check before giving out her precious date card. Shouldn’t she have consulted with her bestie Juelia on what’s going on with the relationships? Or is Samantha not too bright either? UGHHHH.I’m just frustrated watching Joe manipulate everyone around him. I mean, everyone forced him to confront Juelia which just made her seem more like a victim than she needed to, but still, he was too much of a coward to even have a chat with her. Entitled prick. Then as soon as he realized this snafu may affect his chances with Samantha, he’s quick to apologize and blame the whole thing on him having a stronger connection with Samantha. Despite his whole “I’ve never felt this way about anyone,” bullsh***” Ok, I need to stop. Anger is growing…

So happy for Carly and Kirk. I thought Carly might be coming on a little too fast and furious with her womanly desires to overrun Kirk. He seems more on the tender, shy side and Carly can’t seem to look at Kirk without giggling or having a heat stroke. Good for them for figuring it out. Lots of pressure for Kirk though because the girl he’s somewhat tentative about is beaming at him despite missing her brother’s wedding because she “really really really likes him.” If he was on the fence about his feelings, that would have sent him running. But now he’s really gone for it, so I hope he can handle whatever comes next. Oh boy.

Tanner and Playboy Jade seem solid.

Love that we haven’t seen a thing about Ashley I and Jared since that horrible first kiss. Which is a somewhat nice break because any scene that Ashley I is in automatically feels like a train wreck.

Side note: Did you see Trainwreck?? Hysterically funny movie. Go see it.

After Clare’s insane meltdown, I’m wondering what’s left (or who’s left) for her to do. Why is she staying? What was up with her crazy phone conversation with her family? She was acting as if she’s having the time of her life when in reality she was seconds from leaving the show a few hours earlier. Crazy town. I’d stay far away from her. The raccoon editing is kind of funny, but kind of feels like deleted scene material (at least according to The Husband).

There is a lot of agism going on with these nitwits. First you have Ashley I calling Clare’s eggs practically dead (or something like that) and saying nasty things in reference to her age. Then you have Joe Kentucky going off about Dan’s desire to speak to him because he’s in his mid-late 30s. WHAT? I don’t understand these people. What the heck is soooo old about being mid 30s? I have found JJ incredibly obnoxious, unlikeable and whole host of other things, but if he gets into it with Joe Kentucky, I just may not hate him so much. The fact that Megan “Aloha Mexico” finds JJ remotely attractive speaks volumes about her intelligence. Especially after he reveals that he’s an unemployed divorcee who lives at home with his mother and he’s got a 3.5 year old. Wait til she finds out that he cheated on his wife. Of course she’d choose to date him over Dan, who’s practically a Hugh Jackman clone with the skills of a navy seal. Or at least he looks like Hugh Jackman playing a navy seal.

I was sad for Ashley S that she seems to have fallen for Dan while he’s noticed some “red flags” that have thrown off his interest in her. Too bad because I was hopeful they might be happy together. She’s definitely an odd bird and I imagine it must be tough for her to meet people.

Nothing more on Tenley and the fact that she sent home probably the man of her dreams for a questionable Molly drug user.

And on that note, it’s off to bed. If you want to catch up on my daughter, Ellie, some of her latest adventures, follow me on Instagram: www.instagram.com/OfficeStace

See you back here tomorrow!

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Tenley’s Love Triangle Becomes a Square in Bachelor in Paradise

Clare: I think it's romantic to have something in my teeth and have you pick it out.

Clare: I think it’s romantic to have something in my teeth and have you pick it out.

Just when you think there could be an exciting, true love story brewing and that Bachelor in Paradise, as crazy, dramatic and mindless as it is, could actually lead to something lasting and significant, Tenley makes a foolish mistake and we realize why all these people are still single. Really? You’re going to choose the welder from Idaho guy who does molly drugs recreationally but won’t admit it? Over the corporate lawyer, has his life together, much more mature and came on the show specifically to date you after you dated the guy who wasn’t sure about you for 5 years??? The only issue that I can see with Michael is that he lives in New York and Tenley has no interest in moving there. Ugh. The California bar exam is a LOT to ask of someone when they’ve already established their career in NY. Can’t she compromise? Better question: did they have to individually tip the mariachi band players at their romantic water date? I was soooo disappointed that Tenley chose Joshua over a stand up guy like Michael. It’s frustrating.

Hurricane Clare is just a train wreck at this point. She hit her most attractive prepping for her date with Jared and when she took off her top on the boat to reveal a killer body. But once that killer body was pressed up against Jared and was dangling over water while she screamed her lungs out and shook, Jared learned a few things: (1) there is no more surprise as to what Clare sounds like during sex (2) she was way clingy and her emotional surge for Jared upon completing an adrenaline activity with Jared clearly did not match his feelings and (3) his pre-jump kisses to Clare were fodder to be broadcasted to her friends back in the house, sending Ashley I into a fresh round of tears. I was starting to feel like Clare was totally misjudged and being bullied for her “age,” which is insane – they just picked so many young guys to be on the show! Where are the 30 something dudes?? But then Clare gave that nonsensical, drama queen diva speech about how everyone on this season sucks, is fake and doesn’t like her. I was impressed with Jade for her attempt at fighting back. Clare has gone to a 10 on the delusional scale. Will she stay or go? Does anyone care? What is she saying here?? And is anything more hysterical than Ashley S’s reaction to Clare’s speech (smile then a quick shift of WTF is she doing?). AMAZING.

Jared is another funny character on this show. He’s treated like the King of the Castle for a while, but I think everyone’s coming to realize that he’s kind of immature as well and has no interest in actual commitment. He wants a little piece of everyone before he chooses noone. Nobody was more surprised at the turn of events of Jared approaching Ashley I and just going for i – than Ashley! Why did she have to ruin it by talking about Kaitlyn, then complaining he didn’t do this sooner? Then ranking the kisses? UGH. Ashley. Just shut up and enjoy it. Actually, it was kind of nice to see what happens when things do go her way.

Ok, so then there’s evil Joe. I had to fast forward through the recap show, which drives me crazy (Chris Harrison’s female counterpart is particularly annoying to watch along with that Burning Love creator guy. They ask a lot of questions but can’t give answers. But what we learn is that Joe’s target, “Samantha” from Chris the Farmer’s season, arrives next week and Joe is all over that. This leaves Juelia to soon realize that she’s been played. I have no idea what the Jonathan crying was all about. He thinks he was playing the game and going against his character, but he was right all along. So why didn’t Ashley S say something to Juelia? Or wasn’t Jade sitting there when Joe was talking about Samantha? Why wouldn’t someone (even the producer??) say something? There’s a child involved here and you shouldn’t be allowed to manipulate a child’s mom. Joe is a bad man. He needs to go home. I thought he was pretty nasty to Clare too (asking her if it was her second time around on Bachelor Pad and then saying that’s “terrible.”). Not a nice guy in my opinion.

I feel bad for Mikey even though he’s got a warped sense of reality.

Kirk and Carley are there to narrate the show (along with Jade).

I’m really hoping that Tenley can sort out her love square. Can someone else give Michael a rose? He’s definitely worth saving!

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The Sparks Fly in Bachelor in Paradise

SistersThank goodness we got rid of Ashley I’s sister. That was a complete waste of time, brain space and was just one big embarrassment for her. The only thing we’ve learned about her is that she’s a mistress, she’s got severe emotional issues and knows how to make me stop eating Chinese food for dinner once they felt the need to air her continuous running nose. I was hoping that once she was gone, that Ashley might start to stand on her own and skip the dramatics, but that didn’t happen. The funniest part of tonight’s episode was Ashley trying to “sell” her sister to Joshua and after that, she comments about Lauren: “She’s the coolest girlfriend ever. I mean, she’s so cool, she lets her boyfriend have another girlfriend.” It’s like their insecurities and immaturity keep feeding off each other. Hard to watch.

Joe Kentucky went from “questionable” on Kaitlyn’s season to “super sketchy / villain” with his remarks about Juelia. He’s just looking for a rose so he can hold out for Samantha, the pretty, but rarely heard from beauty from Chris the Farmer’s season. He showed up and was completely awkward. I just hope Juelia figures this out asap so she can find someone else or go home to her daughter.

Poor Mikey Muscle Guy. He seems sweet (can’t help but love him for being honest with Tenley about Joshua’s “Molly” talk), but he’s clueless when it comes to his own romantic interests. Clare is obviously not into him and he has refused to acknowledge it.

I hear Ashley I’s woes about the age difference between Jared and Clare. But please don’t insult a 34 year old woman’s eggs. Why do women do this to other women? We need to be supporting each other. Clare has done nothing wrong and she’s once again the victim of this season from both Mikey getting angry with her and Ashley saying such horrible things behind her back. Do I think a 26 year old single guy and a 34 year old woman have a chance at making it? Probably not, but they deserve to go on a date and figure it out.

We’re not getting much from the happy couples. It seems that Carley’s only responsibility is to narrate the drama. Is she the much blonder Michelle Money?

As for Tenley, I have a soft spot for her in my heart. The poor girl just wants to find love and seems to have wasted five years chasing Kiptyn, a guy who always seemed lukewarm in his feelings for her. It had to be him that she was referring to when she mentioned “red flags” that her family saw in her previous relationship, right? She is like a Disney princess. She’s sweet, religious and always upbeat. I hope that one of these guys pining over her turns out to be deserving. JJ couldn’t be meaner or more incorrect in his comments about Joshua. I love that he fell asleep all confident and Tenley went on to make out with Joshua. Even if he’s into the occasional drug use but won’t admit it to Tenley.

Jonathan looks to be the odd man out. Too bad, because Juelia went so far as to give him a break up speech, but may end up giving him the rose after all if Joe’s intentions are revealed.

The Husband is giggling watching pre-season football. Wally is snoring next to my leg. Ellie’s been sleeping since 7 PM. Life is good, but I’m exhausted. Hope you all had a great weekend.

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