The Bachelor’s Exotic Overnight Dates: Let’s Sweat & Make Out in Bali

monkeysIt’s another record freezing cold night in New York City. I think my keyboard might actually be frozen from sitting near the window without the heat on all day. Cold temps means lots of Bach watching and wearing ridiculously oversized sweatshirts in our apartment.

Bali looks like a very warm, steamy place. So hot, that it makes you strip down to your itty bitty shorts and sweat all over The Bachelor. Did you see what the ladies were wearing this week? I mean, Kaitlyn practically arrived naked, but she has no qualms about wearing tiny bits of clothing (and going topless). And we saw some pretty scandalous ass cheek angles of Whitney. Almost too intimate for a regular TV station. They practically had a camera straight into her crotch.

As for the actual dates, they all seemed very fun and romantic, but Chris was hard to read. I guess it’s because now that Britt’s gone, he seems completely lost. Before tonight, I thought that Kaitlyn seemed more like fun chum material rather than an actual romantic partner. But seeing them together in Bali, it went deeper than that. She definitely was falling for him and he seemed very into her. I was shocked that he told her back that he was falling in love with her too…until he basically admitted to falling in love with all 3 remaining girls. WHAT?? Is that possible? Is Chris just too nice to choose?

So Whitney’s ready to drop her career and move to Iowa. I guess that solves that problem. Her new career will be making babies. I hope that once they get out of la-la land and she actually sees the town of Arlington, Iowa, that she still feels the same way. It’s very hard to picture a tiny farming community when your thousands miles away on the other side of earth being seduced by the best that Bali has to offer. Thank you to the Iowans for setting me straight last week on the opportunities that could exist for someone like Whitney. I am SURE there are things to do there. You’re so right that I know absolutely nothing about that area and I’m stereotyping. SORRY!! Nobody loves Field of Dreams more than me and I secretly have dreams of moving there and building a baseball field. 

Then there’s Virgin Becca. Sweet Becca, who’s really just having the time of her life. First crush, first falling in love experience, first time being intimate and now first guy she can see potentially losing her virginity to. She’s basically hit the grand slam of men all in one shot. I was shocked that after his confusing talk with her during the rose ceremony that he put her back in the line up. For a very small second I was thinking that maybe he wouldn’t choose her after all (which would have been cruel, mostly because of how humid it was there and how hot those traditional Bali outfits must have been). But then he did. Then we had to suffer through watching Kaitlyn become extremely confused along with all of the world and see her blue eyes get watery and more blue and her pink magenta lipstick seem even more pink and magenta. We agonized along with her when Chris babbled on about how he didn’t know if he was making the right decision and she’s soooooo upset because we all know from their date with Jimmy Kimmel that she definitely slept with him (she basically revealed on that date that she would if it came to the fantasy suite) and that Becca definitely did NOT sleep with him.

So here’s where I think Chris’s head is at:

Whitney is a solid choice for him because she’s a take charge kind of girl (which works well with his very laid back, soft spoken personality). She has admitted to falling in love and her goal in life now is to become a wife and a mother. She’s happy to move to Arlington and she could have done it yesterday. She’s acted spontaneous and fun with him. His friends dug her. She’s a little bit older and has had life experiences. He finds her and her baby voice attractive. Amen. I think she’s the “safe” choice. She won’t disappoint him.

Becca is the forbidden fruit. What we didn’t see last week on his hometown visit are the following 2 vital pieces of info: (1) Becca’s brother in law is a famous NFL star, Jacob Hester. Chris is also a HUGE football fan and was starstruck, but they hung out and had a blast (2) the day of Becca’s hometown was her birthday and that’s one of the reasons Chris took her to the ferris wheel thing after the family visit. He has such a crush on Becca, it’s fun to watch him. Becca’s real issue is that she’s not ready to commit to moving to Iowa. I wonder if Chris can get her to agree to that before it’s too late. Shouldn’t he just have picked the two women that were ready to move to Arlington? Poor, Kaitlyn!! I agree that overall, he may be the most into Becca, but I’m not sure she’s quite ready to commit to everything that he came on the show for. Will he take a leap of faith and choose her anyway? Will Jade do another “Wild Mustang” shoot for Playboy and pose naked on a horse? These are all things I’m very interested in.

So next week, will be the big Women Tell All. We’ll see the Britt vs. Carly confrontation and I’m sure the Kelsey vs. Ashley I reunion will be a hit. Should be a very interesting one.

What did you guys think of tonight? Were you disappointed about Kaitlyn? She’s definitely a contender for next Bachelorette. She’s quirky, has a funny personality and the process obviously worked for her. It could happen. If not her, I only see Becca as being a possibility of the remaining 3. What do you think?

 

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The Bachelor Sends Home Playboy Model in Hometown Dates Shocker

BrittHappy President’s Day, Bachelor Fans. It’s a day where we recognize our country’s forefathers by watching our 4th and 5th hours of Bachelor this week. It’s so freaking cold outside that there is seriously nothing else to do (not that I want to do anything else. I was counting down the minutes til Bach, I’ll be honest). I think New York City felt like -10 degrees today. I guess your only other option of entertainment was to watch the SNL 40th anniversary special that was recorded from last night. Or to spend time planning your outfit for tomorrow because it’s supposed to be snowing and freezing and leaving home takes an extra 30 minutes to layer up.

So some shockers off the bat. I was genuinely surprised that Chris had the strength to send Britt home. Especially since she was so clearly THE ONE on the Deadwood date. He has been doing some serious “Soules” searching to make that decision. I think Carly’s speech to him really focused him on some of the red flags that had been in his head all along but he didn’t want to see. That’s the only reason he could have sent her home so suddenly. Usually when someone rats out another girl, it’s not enough to convince the Bachelor to immediately take that advice to heart and act on it. Hence Ben Flajnik ending up with Courtney Robertson. Britt was surely the frontrunner all along and I’m actually proud of Chris for being able to use his head and not his hormones on this decision. I still don’t think Britt was lying or being underhanded. I think she’s a stunning girl and has probably NEVER had to compete for a man’s affection before. She likely in unchartered waters and can’t understand the concept that a man might have feelings for others along with her. She’s right to want to feel like somebody’s #1 at all times. But then she shouldn’t be on The Bachelor.

Once Britt was gone, it was fairly obvious that Carly was the next one gone. She was sweet and funny (though I didn’t like that her entire focus by the end of her time was to bring down Britt). She just wanted to be loved and yet it wasn’t in the cards. Too bad, because I think she’s one of the only girls who would actually love to live in Arlington, Iowa with Chris and make it work there.

I feel like the hometown dates were on fast forward. We only got to see a handful of conversations between Chris and the family. No crazy dancing or family activities (at least that we were shown). I liked that Chris spent time with each of the women after the dates had ended.

A few comments:

  • I 100% thought that when Chris was at the fertility clinic in Chicago with Whitney and she took him to the “Man’s room” to “make a deposit” that the Playboy magazines featured there would contain pictures of Jade. That would have been AMAZING. Seriously, AMAZING in the very best way that word has ever been used in this entire series.
  • I’m so all over the place about the girls that are left. They are all so different. Whitney seems like a take charge kind of person. Type A. She’s career minded and I just don’t see how that will fly in Iowa. Where will she be a fertility nurse? For the cows? Will she propose splitting her time? Because that will never work. So ultimately, while I originally thought she’d be better suited for a farm life, I don’t know how she’d make it work.
  • I was initially pretty surprised that Jade went home tonight. Chris seemed so into her the entire season. She was the only one that got to see what his home life is like. She was the only one that met his parents. (Which, btw, was also the case with Juan Pablo introducing Nikki to his daughter and the rest of his family). He brought her a Varsity jacket. His entire community saw him kissing Jade on his high school’s football field. He was physically extremely attracted to her. His sisters chose her out of most of the other girls. So what went wrong? Did the Playboy thing really not have anything to do with it? I think Jade seemed the most vanilla amongst the remaining girls. She seemed very neutral and reserved in general when around Chris. I kept saying to The Husband that besides her Playboy secret, she seemed almost boring. She’s beautiful, obviously, but I sensed that she and Chris didn’t have much to say to each other. Maybe he was starting to feel that too. Or maybe the Playboy thing was a really big deal. He’s a big time farmer and living in a very conservative area and like he said, many of his business contacts may have given him a big problem if he ended up with her. Also, how was an aspiring model and woman who was starting a cosmetics business in LA supposed to drop everything and move to Nowhere, Iowa? She’s a wild mustang and would have certainly galloped right out of there.
  • I was very much in favor of Whitney’s sister’s withholding her blessing from Chris. I get it. And I liked her solution – call her when Chris knows that Whitney’s THE ONE. I somehow don’t think that’s a phone call he’s going to make. Maybe I’ll be wrong…
  • Kaitlyn. I loved seeing her family as she’s got her father’s eyes with her mother’s beauty. Kaitlyn’s dates with Chris are so playful and fun as opposed to the intensity of his dates with Whitney. She’s always got him smiling but I think she’s going to have to dig deep to get to the same level as the other girls. I know she’s The Husband’s pick, but I don’t know if someone like her could be happy in Iowa. She just seems very sophisticated and stylish and I feel like she needs a wine bar and Starbucks to hang out at regularly. But with all of Chris’s money, maybe they can build these in Arlington, Iowa.
  • As for Becca, she’s definitely got the most momentum at this point. She hasn’t got a lot of experience in the love department (or sex department) but this is not a deal breaker for Chris. I think he likes this and he’ll certainly be thrilled that she’s a virgin. The Husband and I were having a debate as to whether Chris’s conversation with Becca’s sister revealed that Becca was a virgin. I don’t think the sister said this. I think the sister was trying to get across that Becca had never been intimate in a romantic sense with another person. That she’s not naturally affection and doting on a guy, so she was surprised to see her that way with Chris. The Husband thinks it was very clear from this info that the sister was telling Chris that Becca was a virgin. What do you think? I still think Chris has no clue. But I don’t think it’s a big deal (like Ashley Kardashian Princess Jasmine made it out to be). Becca also fits better into the lifestyle that Chris will be living, so that’s a plus. But she’s still so young (26) – is she ready to give up any career or travel ambitions to live in a 500 person town?
  • Whitney’s make up was driving me nuts. I liked her family a lot though and was glad to see she does have a support system – though she seems very willing to part with them for Chris. Her fertility nursing is something that she’s passionate about and I don’t see her wanting to give that up any time soon.
  • Do we think that Chris went back to Jade’s video after she left his hotel room? Do we think he still looks at it? As soon as Chris wasn’t like, “Holy crap, this is awesome,” upon Jade’s revelation, I knew this relationship was going South. How awkward that she offered to show him the photos. What was he supposed to say?

My eyes are closing. It’s time to call it a night. We’ve got exotic overnights next week to Bali, which should be quite a contrast to Arlington, Iowa. If you lose your virginity in Bali, does it count back in the US? We’ll have to see.

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Reverse Hometown: Chris The Bachelor Takes The Ladies to Iowa (Part I)

chrisjadeIt’s after midnight, so we’ll keep this short and sweet. Plus after 3 hours of Bachelor tonight, my head’s spinning. Not to mention another 2 hours tomorrow. Can your head actually explode from watching too much Bach?

The first hour of Chris Harrison’s interview was nonsense. We learned nothing new from Kelsey except that she does use big words like “ameliorated” as in “I would have ameliorated (or, made better) the situation with the girls if I knew it was that bad.” She was also being cross examined by Chris H which just didn’t feel right with her tanned perfect skin and innocent “wear white” maxi dress. I wasn’t interested in what she had to say and while I was completely terrified of her by the end of her time in the Badlands, I felt like the Chris Harrison questions needed to stop and we just all could move on. That said, I’ll be anxious to see her confrontation with Ashley the Virgin Kardashian Princess at the Women Tell All.

As for Andi Dorfman, I’m not sure that we learned anything at all. I miss Josh. I liked him on the show and thought he was great. I REALLY don’t need to see Andi as the Bachelorette again (and I hope that’s not why we had to watch her wipe her eyes / mascara repeatedly to keep the tears from ruining her makeup). I get that she’s heartbroken. That sucks. She seemed to admit to really falling hard for Josh and it doesn’t seem like she’s over him. But she did mention that it was a mutual break-up. That they have two very strong personalities that didn’t mesh well. Doesn’t sound like it’s totally over though as she’s clearly still in love with him and I wonder if we’ll hear about them getting back together. You’ve got to believe that Josh was watching tonight and will have a reaction to her tears. I don’t know – I’m sort of done with worrying about them as well. Too invested in this season of Chris the Farmer, I guess.

The real headliner tonight was Britt’s actions. I don’t think that Britt is being fake. I agree with Kaitlyn that in Britt’s mind, she wants to love Arlington, Iowa. So she’s convincing herself that she’s up for a move to a place that doesn’t have a make up store or hair salon. There’s Amazon after all and aren’t they supposed to have droids soon that can air drop packages to their farm? But it was borderline “Kelsey” scary the way that Britt turned on Chris to express her true feelings about Kaitlyn getting the rose.

That said, from Britt’s point of view, I get it. She’s about to take a guy home and she already thinks that Chris is her groom. How dare he give their group date rose to someone else. How could he be serious about her? Why should she give up being walking distance to a Starbucks and a movie theater for a guy who can’t even give her a rose every time on the group date? Poor Carly. She kind of knows that the messenger never ends up the wife, but she goes for the kill regardless. Real eye opening for Chris. But does he truly see Britt’s two sidedness or can he relate to her spewing emotion?

I’m anxious to see Becca’s date. They already showed us a preview of hometowns, and we know that Jade, Becca and Kaitlyn all make it there, so that leaves us guessing whether Britt, Whitney or Carly will get that last slot? I can’t see Carly beating out either Whitney or Britt at this point and after Chris’s date with Whitney, there wouldn’t be any reason not to pick her for a hometown. Except that she responds to every shock with “SHUT UP,” which is a VERY annoying trait in my opinion. BUT after hearing about Whitney’s family, it’s evident that she’d be a great fit to move to Arlington, Iowa and be embraced by Chris’s family. She won’t have such a pull somewhere else.

Jade seemed less than jubilant to be in Arlington, so not sure how that’s going to play out. I’m sure being on the football field and kissing Chris was a ton of fun, but what happens when the cameras go away and its Chris, a corn field and NOTHING TO DO? So that leaves us with Becca and Whitney as my front runners. Kaitlyn seems way too cosmopolitan to live in Iowa. Not sure what the story is with the exposed tummies on a lot of these girls. That’s certainly not the fashion in Iowa.

Ok, off to bed. My mini bachelorette will be up in 6.5 hours. YIKES.

Til tomorrow’s show!

 

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The Bachelor’s Making Bad Decisions in the Badlands

Bad Date in the Badlands

Bad Date in the Badlands

When, oh when, will The Bachelor, Chris Soules, learn a few basic rules about being The Bachelor??

Rule #1: Don’t make out with Britt (or any other girl) in front of the competition. Particularly when they are drafting toned deaf country love songs in your honor. It’s in really poor taste. Even if it’s Britt initiating and she’s staring at you with that puppy dog look and really pretty, pouty lipstick on. For goodness sake, don’t repeatedly kiss her and if you just can’t resist, at least take her to a separate room! You realize that these women are here to become your wife and your wife does NOT want to see you kissing Britt.

Rule #2: Don’t use information that one girl gives you (Princess Jasmine Kardashian Virgin Ashley) to confront another girl, especially by revealing your source. I felt like Chris had nothing to talk to Kelsey about except to directly confront her. He has absolutely no game. Which either you love him or hate him for. I don’t think he intended to backstab Ashley, but it sure didn’t go over well when Kelsey gave Ashley the stink eye and the, “I know what you did,” speech. That was a creepy scene. Kind of awesome that the girls were in a fantasy canopy bed in the middle of nowhere having this argument about who’s smarter.

Rule #3: It’s best not to favor the Girl Who Doesn’t Shower. Don’t choose her to attend a country music concert on a group date after already likely sleeping with her the week before (and the girls know about it). You really really really shouldn’t do this if a) The Girl Who Doesn’t Shower also Doesn’t Give a Hoot About Country Music, b) 3 of the girls there are in love with the concert givers and c) these girls just poured their hearts out to you in song, one of whom makes a living doing that kind of stuff. It’s just not wise. And if you’re going to go ahead and break this rule, then DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES come back from such concert wearing her lipstick on your mouth. Ok, let’s say you’re dumb enough to do all of this. Do you really need to give her the rose too? You couldn’t have given the rose to say – Jade – who is a HORRIBLE singer but overcame her fear or like Carly – who basically sang out her inner most feelings for you and it was so intense that even Kaitlyn was cheering for you both to be in love?? And Chris, do we really need to ask how even though you have violated every step of Rule #3,  you could leave those girls so abruptly after declaring it tough and awkward? How about pulling a couple of the others aside and apologizing and giving them more time? Nope, you wanted to call it a “Britt night,” and go home smelling like her musty self. Wow, you’re not even pretending to be interested in the others.

Rule #4: When a girl confesses that she’s a widow and you barely know her and were about to send her home, it’s time to be alarmed. If that girl passes out within 24 hours of telling you this information, that little red flag in your mind should be working overtime.

Now in fairness to Chris, not all of his decisions were horrible. For example:

  • He did finally send Mackenzie home. She didn’t belong there and I’m glad she’s getting back to her son.
  • He sent crazy Kelsey AND Princess Virgin home (but not before completely torturing Ashley). I think Virgin Kardashian is just too immature for her own good and Chris nailed it when he said he just didn’t think he could make her happy long term. BINGO. I’m wondering if she’s more pissed about not “beating out” Kelsey or that never got her princess date. OR maybe she was waiting for the fantasy suite to lose her virginity. It was all a bust, but at least she left in a black Kardashian outfit that made her look like a Star Wars character in the Badlands. Her hysteria at being rejected was both entertaining and frightening. I did love her speech to Kelsey about having a Masters from a better school and that bigger words don’t make you smarter. It was the most amazing display of junior high behavior outside of junior high school. I will miss Ashley and her eyelashes even if she was a complete mismatch for Chris.
  • He gave Becca the one on one date. Ahhh, finally. Another normal competitor. Becca might be our girl. She’s smart, she’s sassy and did you see the way she shoots a gun? They have the most natural chemistry of anyone (outside of the Britt/Chris show) and she’s someone that I could see lasting out in Iowa. I loved their horseback riding date. I love that she calls out his insane laugh. Not quite as insane or creepy as Kelsey’s laugh, but definitely up there.
  • He did take the time to sit down with Kaitlyn who’s been put on the back burner the last couple of weeks. I was happy with their talk, until the Britt moves happened. Kaitlyn (and the rest of the girls) were completely justified in feeling “humiliated.” I wonder why nobody left. Poor, Carly. I just wanted to hug her.

Some other amazing things:

1. The girls toasting when Kelsey’s bags got taken away. Hilarious and funny to see. It’s amazing how one common enemy can unite a group, even though they’re all trying to sleep with the same guy. Hatred is a powerful tool.

2. Kelsey. We haven’t ever seen a villain quite like her. I don’t think she realizes how unstable and manipulative she came off as. She thinks that because of her tragic story, she’s better than everyone else and treats the girls like they’re a bunch of nitwits (maybe that’s fair for some of them?). If the previews are accurate and she’s going to crucifix Ashley, I think we’re finally in for a remotely interesting Women Tell All, for the first time in years. The Husband and I actually paused the TV and made popcorn to watch the 2 on 1 date. It was worth it.

3. So Britt is totally an aspiring actress / singer. I’m sure that was not the first time she ever tried to sing. She was way too polished for that to be by accident. Thinking about her living on a farm in Iowa is kind of comical at this point.

4. Becca went from girl in the shadows to frontrunner this week. I really like her. She might be my new favorite.

5. I’m feeling bad for Carly. She went from totally confident after her date last week to feeling “invisible” again. I’d hope that if Chris made her feel that way, she’s have the confidence to simply leave. Teach Chris a lesson. You can’t make out with Britt in front of me after I poured my heart to you. It was just plain rude.

6. I don’t see the Whitney connection. Just don’t understand why she’s still there. Yes, she may be sweet and have genuine intentions (and in all honesty, may be the best match for Chris in terms of compatibility and goals), but I just don’t see him being attracted to her any longer. Particularly when you have a Britt in the house. Whitney even made this comment. The girls are really honest this season!

7. Jade’s big secret will be revealed next week. So the producers were saving this up after all. I wonder what Chris will say. I also kind of wonder what Samantha’s sad back story was (but which we’ll never hear because she said 3 words the entire time before being eliminated). Jade was seeming a bit mousy to me this episode. I was shocked when she told Chris that she’s all in for Iowa!!

So they’re already showing us previews of next week’s dates and we’re getting a bonus Bachelor night next Sunday – woo hoo! I can hardly wait. It’s almost midnight and my night’s just starting here. Ellie (who will be 11 months tomorrow!) has a cold. Coughing, gagging, runny nose and she’s not eating much. No fever and we’ve already been in her room a dozen times to elevate her mattress, rock her, try to give her more food and just comfort her. She’s not happy. Maybe she just wanted to watch The Bachelor. That would make sense. It’s going to be a long one and since she’s sneezed into my face a dozen times this evening, it’s only a matter of time before the germs catch up with me.

Til next time…

Please share your favorite moments from this week and who are your latest favorites…

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The Bachelor Seeks Sanity in Santa Fe

brittAm I missing something tonight? I mean, yes, it’s been stressful with a new full time job and a baby and sometimes during the day, I’m so occupied thinking about one or the other that I literally see blurry circles in front of my computer screen. So maybe, I’m the crazy one. I thought that The Bachelor would be my inner peace this evening amongst slushy, freezing rain all day, icy sidewalks, breaking in a new nanny and the promise of sub-zero wind chills for the commute tomorrow morning. But this episode has me really confused. Confused about the Ladies. Confused as to whether Chris the Farmer has it in him to make a good decision. Confused about how someone like Britt can forego showering for “weeks” and still look like a supermodel at all times and smell decent enough that Chris wants to be intimate with her (Wouldn’t her hair be super greasy by now? Wouldn’t she just STINK?).

But let’s go right to Kelsey because I’m most confused of all about her. Sometimes she gets the edit of the smart, sassy, independent woman with a brain. She doesn’t want to run around and be a bimbo. I respect her for that. We’ve known about her past and the death of her husband since the very first week. We all felt for her.

Last week, some of the girls hinted that Kelsey is a bit “fake.” I remember at least one girl mentioning that she’s all smiles for Chris on the camping date, but when he wasn’t around, she seemed miserable (pretty sure it was Kaitlyn who said this). This week, it’s like something snapped in Kelsey. Maybe it was reading between the lines about Britt’s “2 hour nap” with Chris. Or maybe she’s seen what a little “poor me” revelation to Chris does to him (Juelia got a rose the week she told Chris about her suicidal husband. Jade was getting her feet rubbed by Chris). So Kelsey goes on the offensive (at least that’s what it seems like) and reveals her dark secret to Chris. She does it by sneaking off to tell him. She says she didn’t want to go home without him knowing that information about her. But why? Wouldn’t she first want to see if she and Chris had any real lasting potential before telling him something so personal? But all of this aside, she tells him and then there’s this very odd cameo where for a second, Kelsey makes it seems as if she made the whole thing up to get Chris’s attention. Am I the only one who thought this and was confused? After a while, I came to realize that I don’t think she’s making it up, but I do think she knew exactly what she was doing by the timing and way that she revealed the information to Chris. So she’s using it in the most strategic way possible. Smart? For sure. Manipulative? Definitely. Sincere? Hmmm, I don’t think we can say that yet.

Then we see Kelsey feeling over-confident during the pre-rose ceremony. Chris has another mental breakdown while trying to give a speech to the ladies and goes off to think about “time.” Does Kelsey doubt that her seduction of Chris has earned her a rose? You better believe it. So off she goes to have her own panic attack. Or maybe the smell of Britt caressing her shoulder while she reveals to the other girls that she snuck time in with Chris was too overwhelming. I have no idea what Kelsey was talking about to the girls. It was like she got on her high horse and started dishing out guru advice about life, love and time. Maybe that sexual guru woman possessed Kelsey’s body at that very moment. Then there was that talk about Kelsey saying goodbye to some of the girls (I thought maybe she had decided to leave??) But then no, she was talking about other girls leaving before her. I don’t know. It makes no sense, but it does make me think that Kelsey is NUTS. But if her story IS true, then I can understand why she’d be a little batty and she should never have to be put in a situation like The Bachelor where obviously TIME IS EVERYTHING. Ugh. I don’t know. Maybe I need therapy.

Can we move on to Megan for some light hearted kicks? She had some amazing one liners this episode. I was unsure of what her deal was, but I think we can safely say that it’s not alcohol or sneakiness. She thinks a sombrero is symbolic of New Mexico and calls it her thinking cap. She thought that Santa Fe was a beach destination. It may just be a lack of choosing her words correctly (how’s that for polite??). “I’m so excited to go to New Mexico. I’ve never left the country before.” I mean….

Didn’t think much of the Colorado girl coming back (Jordan). Other than that she looked WAY better tonight than she ever did during her time on the show. And The Husband thinks the entire thing was staged, because how else could she know where to drive to from Colorado? I couldn’t even remember who she was at first, but then The Husband reminded me that she was the one that was so drunk that she couldn’t stand up straight at the rose ceremony. Wow. Sobriety looks GOOD on her. Chris made a rookie mistake, however, by walking in, arm in arm, with her to the group date. Bad move, Dude. Nobody is going to take that well. It did force one amazing battle between Ashley I and Whitney. It’s like Virgin Kardashian vs. Midwestern Blonde Charm. If only they had put a mud wrestling pit in the middle of that group date, we really could have witnessed some fun stuff. I understand Ashley’s point about not wanting to be nice to Jordan or pretend to be happy she’s there. And of course, we all had to laugh when Jordan got the boot and hugged everyone goodbye, including Ashley, who gave a great fake smile. Ashley’s just wildly immature, but I don’t think she’s particularly evil. She’s a VIRGIN, after all. Making VIRGIN statements and having outspoken VIRGIN opinions.

Oh and I almost forgot to talk about Carly. Poor Carly! She definitely wins most awkward Bachelor date of all time. Forced intimacy. Which I’m sure she didn’t mind, but as Chris seemed on the fence about her, it was extremely uncomfortable to watch. Particularly the part about them taking their clothes off?? So happy that Carly refused to do that. We got to know a lot about her and I was sad to hear about her past relationship with a guy who obviously didn’t deserve her. That said, I don’t think Chris has any real interest in her. Which is sad because it all seemed slightly promising. UNTIL 4:30 AM the morning of Chris’s date with Britt when he SHUSHED poor Carly so that he could wake up Britt and smooch her in front of Carly and the rest of the girls. HORRIBLE HORRIBLE JUDGMENT, Chris. Ugh, his points went way down. I mean, how dumb can you be????

So do we believe that Britt is two faced or is that just sour grapes from the Ladies? Are we supposed to believe that she wants to be single and isn’t ready to settle down (as per the girls) or does Britt want to have 700 of Chris’s babies on the farm as she declared enthusiastically?? And where did that horrific fear of heights go when she was lifted into a hot air balloon? Was it just the bungee jumping or climbing a building that she didn’t want to do? I’m completely confused about Britt as well. Most of all, how someone can go to sleep with make up on every single night, and not have horrible break outs. And wouldn’t Chris be able to smell major BO? Is there such a thing as an adult human who is immune to body odor and smelling horribly without showering?

OH and I have OTHER MAJOR NEWS: in case you haven’t heard, our sweet Jade (who I loved after last week), as it turns out, has a DEEP DARK SECRET. In short: she POSED FOR PLAYBOY. Yes, not sure when, but her stage name is “Jade Elizabeth.” The Husband told me this. I wonder how he knew? I’m sure a friend just told him. Whatever. This is all to say that I’m sure ABC is trying very hard to figure out how to reveal this information as it’s sure to come out (though I’m not sure if it happens on the show). Playboy model living on a farm in Iowa? You can’t write better fiction than this! What will Chris’s sisters think?

I still have no idea what Samantha’s deal is. Mackenzie is only there to be a sanity check for Ashley I. Becca still hasn’t played her Virgin #2 card, so we obviously need to see that unfold.

So last we left it, Chris is having a break down. Kelsey is having a panic attack. Ashley and Becca are still virgins. Britt is beaming from being the first lady to “sleep” with Chris (did she shower after they “slept” together???). Carly is feeling betrayed. Jade is wondering at what point she should tell Chris that she’s a porn star. Kaitlyn feels like she’s in a circus and is too shocked for her usual witty remarks. Whitney wants everyone to play nicely together and yet, they all want to marry the same guy. What planet are we on?

This week’s cliffhanger was a bit too much. So much for de-stressing me.

Here’s who Chris SHOULD be after: Carly, Whitney, Becca

Here’s who Chris is ACTUALLY after: Britt, Britt, Britt and Jade

What are your thoughts on tonight’s circus in Santa Fe? Why is everyone crying next week??

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The Bachelor Chris Soules Plays Prince & Camps With Virgins

jadeHello, Bachelor Fans!!! What a night to watch Bachelor. I am literally under house arrest due to the impending Juno blizzard forecasted to be potentially the worse storm in New York City history. They’re closing down all public transit, trains and buses as of 11 PM this evening. Which means we’re literally forced to watch The Bachelor. It’s either that or the weather and let’s face it, The Bachelor is far more interesting. I was getting confused at times because both were so dramatic tonight. I half expected Chris Harrison to appear on the Weather Channel (which has been on in our apartment for 8 hours) and says, “This blizzard will be the MOST dramatic blizzard…EVER.”

I spent the morning at work, feverishly trying to finish up as much as I could with the knowledge of the storm coming tomorrow. At one point they were forecasting up to 30 inches of snow, but estimates are back down to 12-20 inches, as if that should be cause for calm. I’m still expected to go to work if the subways are open tomorrow. Not sure our nanny can get to us, so that’s a whole other issue. You know, snow days were a lot more exciting before babies came around and the ability to work from home has kind of killed the pleasure of a snow day all together. I guess what I’m really hoping is for Ashley I (the Virgin Kardashian American flag bikini girl) to post photos of herself naked tonight and try to “break the Internet.” [For all those who have no idea what I'm talking about, you'll need to check this out - but fair warning, keep innocent eyes away].

I’d also like to point out before we talk Chris and the dates this week that I went to Duane Reade (gigantic drug store chain in New York City) after work today, before venturing home this afternoon. I needed to pick up some essentials for potentially getting stuck in an apartment for 2 days. Things like ping pong balls, throat drops (the baby and I keep swapping germs), gum, etc. In line at the check out counter, I saw a copy of Us Weekly Magazine with Desiree Hartsock and Chris (her groom) on the cover. I haven’t bought a trashy magazine in years so of course I decided it’s definitely part of the emergency rations of a big impending blizzard, right? Well, earlier this evening, I showed the magazine to The Husband and you know what his reaction was? He’s like, “Wait, why are you showing me this?” I pointed out that Desiree was on the cover. He couldn’t have cared less. Like WHAT??? Who is he? Ugh, Men.

So I’m not even sure where to start tonight, but let’s just go to the obvious:

(1) The Virgin Kardashian (Ashley I.) NEEDS TO GO. Can’t Chris just take one look at her during the camping trip and get a sense that she could never hack it at the farm in Iowa? What the heck was she trying to tell him when she snuck into his tent? And wasn’t there a raccoon or some other furry wild rabid animal circling the tents at that time? I was fairly impressed with the amount of makeup that Ashley I. brought with her to camp and that it stayed on for so long, tent building activities aside. It wasn’t even her Virgin secret that drove me crazy this episode. Because honestly, nobody cares that she’s a virgin. Except maybe Mackenzie who thinks it’s a secret weapon to be waved in Chris’s face. But I have to say that it feels dirty to even watch Ashley I kiss Chris because she does it in such a grotesque way, that it literally makes me want to break out in hives. It’s all the quick lip and tongue action, I think. But gross kissing, going topless and Virgin announcements aside – this is what bothers me: Ashley I’s complete freak out about Jade getting the Cinderella date. WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT ABOUT??? Yes, Ashley I. We know you think you’re Princess Jasmine from Aladdin. You wanted to wear the glittery dress and get picked up in a magic carpet by Chris and be flown all around the magical kingdom of California while you wear shiny lipstick and get a comforting reaction about your virginism with, “A Whole New World” playing in the background. You were especially pissed at those Neil Lane diamonds being given to someone else. But you’re supposed to be a full blown adult. Like over the age of 8 or 9. Let Jade have a turn at playing princess for the night. I’m glad the girls dug into her a bit when she showed up in her “princess date dress.” Does she think that she’ll be a princess on the IOWA FARM?? I could go on here for many more paragraphs, but it’s late and the blizzard of the century is coming to get us, so I’ve got to move on.

(2) The Chris / Britt conversation. What exactly was that all about? Britt was pretty overconfident in her standings this week. She had the nerve to tell the 3 blonde sisters that she’s the frontrunner. They were super unimpressed. Perhaps this overconfidence combined with her declining first impression rose status made her go nuts. She was pretty aggressive in demanding that Chris give a logical explanation for giving a group date rose to the woman who took her bikini bottoms off (Kaitlyn). Now given, I wish we could have replayed Chris’s response to Britt’s questioning. Because it made absolutely no sense. And he was mumbling and bumbling and I’m sure Jimmy Kimmel would have had a field day with that. What we did learn, however, is that while Chris can’t articulate himself in the best way possible, he knows when his decisions and actions are being questioned. He certainly made it clear that he doesn’t appreciate that. Bachelors HATE when the girl use their time to question the Bachelors choice of another girl. So I think this was sort of a warning to Britt to “step off.”

(3) The Dark Horse: Jade. Wasn’t she incredible tonight? Soft spoken. Sweet. Smart. Business Woman. Not into wearing gallons of make up like the other ladies (yet has an organic make up company!). As soon as I saw that stair case that Jade had to walk down to get to Chris, I said to The Husband: “If I had to wear those glass slippers, I would trip on the first step, fall down and kill myself.” How she was able to make it there without a hitch was nothing short of a miracle. I kind of wanted her to take the heels off and pull out cowgirl boots or something, but I guess that’s not the Cinderella fantasy. We didn’t get very much of their conversation other than that Jade was engaged before and we learn that Chris was as well (I think we may have known that already from Andi’s season). But you can already see that Jade is definitely someone not to overlook going forward. She’s quiet, so won’t be one of the ladies demanding attention at every moment. But I think with her small town roots, beauty and quiet kindness about her, that she’s actually a good match for Chris. I just hope she can run the business from Iowa.

(4) WHY on earth are these people still there? I’m talking about Mackenzie. I mean, he let Juelia go because he didn’t want to keep her away from her daughter any longer. Does that mean that he seriously thinks there could be a future with the alien-believing, 21 year old single mom, Mackenzie? I can’t stand it anymore. Send the poor girl home, PLEASE. Obviously the Virgin Kardashian Ashley I. needs to go home. We know absolutely nothing about dark haired, blue eyed Samantha (who?). Yes, exactly. She’s beautiful but either hasn’t said anything remotely interesting or entertaining enough to merit air time. I’m also getting annoyed with the other blonde, Megan, the one who gave Chris a chocolate fondue fruit tasting but doesn’t seem to be the brightest. Is she really that vacant or is the alcohol?

(5) Thank goodness they’re gone. That’s crazy Ashley S. Long overdue. She was creepy scary. I was also ready for Jillian to go home. There was absolutely no chemistry and Jillian’s competitive nature outscored any chance she had of really becoming vulnerable enough for Chris to get to know her. Which is sort of a shame because he considered her “top 3 attractive.” I guess all of her muscle flexing just turned me off so this statement surprised me. I bet she has a hard time finding guys to date because of her oddly physical competitive nature and her “in your face” personality. The Husband correctly pointed out that they spared us from having to watch the girls react to seeing Jillian’s luggage removed from the home.

Other Honorable Mentions:

- Kaitlyn definitely earned the “house narrator” spot, but sometimes, I wish she’d just get caught up in the process instead of laying out how crazy everyone else is.

- I think Becca is another one to watch. A closet house virgin, she’s approaching Chris in all the right ways. I hope she gets a chance.

- Whitney still rubs me the wrong way. A reader named “Tracy” commented last week that she didn’t like my remarks about Whitney’s high pitched voice. Oh come on, Tracy. Yes, it’s shallow. But there it’s nothing meaner than commenting on Tiara’s eyebrow or Tenley’s insane dance moves or Brooks’ effeminate nature on Desiree’s season of Bachelor. Those were actually all mean too and I apologize for those offended. You have to admit, though, these people put themselves out there for all of us to dissect. If someone telling me that my voice was a deal breaker over any other insult, I’d take it :) Given, I do try to keep negative comments to their actions rather than their physical features, but sometimes, it’s impossible. I’m mean considering these women practically get naked for us every week physically and emotionally, I consider this blog a success in terms of capping the negative physical comments. In the Whitney case, I just find her a bit over the top for my liking. Chris obviously likes something about her, so that’s all that counts.

- So now they’re painting Kelsey out to be the House Villain. We haven’t seen a real one yet, though Ashley I the Virgin Kardashian takes the crazy cake for now. I liked Kelsey’s speech to the cameras about it being a Bimbo Fest. I wish she had told that to Chris and refused to participate. That might have actually earned her more points. I thought she might have actually stuck up for herself and her fellow women by shouting feminist thoughts at Chris. But next week we learn she might require medical treatment? Oh no! I had so much hope for her.

- I feel bad for Carly because she is trying so hard to be the most likable person on the planet but I don’t think Chris is very interested.

- I wanted to hear Britt’s answer to Chris’s sisters’ questions regarding her job in LA as a “waitress” and whether she showers and whether she wants to move to a farm.

- Chris may be the least articulate Bachelor they’ve had to date, but I kind of love that. He’s real. He’s not making rehearsed speeches. These women are going after him one by one and sometimes (like in Britt’s case) it leaves him tongue tied. Pretty awesome stuff.

Top candidates at this point: Jade, Whitney, Ashley I (shocking, I know, but I think Chris is into her Princess Virgin Jasmine vibe), Becca, Britt and Kaitlyn.

What do you think?

Stay warm out there!! Good luck to everyone in Juno’s path!

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